Monday, April 7, 2008


Craig did his best to get himself together. There was no way of getting out of it. He had to face Kadan and Chloe as well. There was no way he could run away.

They'd decided to meet him in the city for brunch at a little place not far from Craig's flat. It was a decent enough morning. The sun out. Spring fresh a new dew. And yet Craig felt cold. Cold as ice walking into this so-called game.

He thought he might pass out when he saw Kadan sitting with Chloe out in the garden. As he came closer, he noticed she'd been crying. And he wasn't sure what he might say. He looked around for baby Caroline. She wasn't there.

"Where's Caroline?" He asked as if that was the right thing to do.

"It just didn't feel right to bring her out," Chloe said brushing a tear with the back of her hand. "I left her with my Aunt."

"She's all right, isn't she?" Craig winced, apologizing for not being their for their dinner. He felt shy now. Not wanting to sit at all, but he knew he had too. "Could I order us some drinks perhaps?" He was nervous too and sometimes, his voice would crack for no reason. He really wanted to shut himself up.

"No, no, we're fine," Kadan showed him a seat. "We've broken up for good, this time, Craig." He remained quite even lipped as Craig sat down.

"Sorry," he looked over Chloe thinking she might be happier, but maybe Kadan knew about the baby.

"I don't mean to be so...emotional." She told him. "I'm quite all right actually. I'll get use to it, you know. Its like has been, you know. Its just we're over." She looked at Craig, and he thought he might melt. Perhaps it was all an act. He wasn't sure how to follow.

"I see." He looked at Kadan then for some sort of clue, but there was none. Kadan was the keeper of secrets, perhaps, but then again, Chloe pretty much had her own as well. "So, so what now?" Craig's smile was bitter and he knew it.

"We'll keep in touch." Kadan nodded. After all, there was baby Caroline to look after. He was still a part of her life.

"I guess we'll all be one happy family, won't we." Truly, Craig thought he never had one of those. Was it possibly the three of them could somehow manage together?

Sunday, April 6, 2008

bizarre love triangle

Craig wasn't sure he could handle it. The new information about Chloe and Kadan at the same time. He felt drained.

Craig couldn't possibly face himself in the mirror, and to see them together. Just not possible.

Of course, maybe he was having a bit of morning sickness. Perhaps it had taken the stress off Chloe in some way, and he was doing her a favor. He couldn't really be sure since he really didn't have telepathy.

A part of him wanted to talk her into having an abortion. It would be the right thing to do. He guessed. And yet, he hated the idea, as well. How could he do such a thing? It thrilled him to be a father. To be a part of someone's life. How could he think it?

Thus he went in bouts of fits in his room, sometimes, crying and then to find himself in a laughing rage. He thought he might go mad.

He called his mother. "Mum, I want to come home." There, that was easy enough.

"But, but we have Newt here, where would he go? Its best to not give up, Craigy. You owe yourself an education." What education? This term was a disseaster, between the footballers bullying him and little getaways with Kadan or even with Chloe, he wasn't a real student, just one of life. So far, he wasn't getting an A for effort in it, either.

"I dunno," he cringed at the thought of facing Hollyoaks ever again, but he didn't see how he would manage this with Kadan or Chloe for that matter. It was all turning so ugly and quite scary, in fact. He told his mother that he'd try. He'd do his best.

At the moment, all he could find was a bottle of benedryl. He wondered if that would do him in.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

can't be happening

This was so not what he wanted to hear from Chloe.


It didn't seem feasible in Craig's mind. He walked the streets for a good long while and all he felt was numb. Neither joy nor horror. Just numb. He couldn't even hear himself think.

His throat felt scorched and his ears hurt from this pain of not wanting to listen, perhaps. He didn't know. But he kept walking. Walking in circles around the park until nightfall.

When he got home he couldn't even remember if he'd eaten. Kadan had called him several times, but he hadn't responded. He was physically ill. He staggered to the bathroom and thats where everything came undone. He threw up and passed out on the bathroom floor.

"Jesus Christ, Mary and Joseph!" He awoke to a voice but his eyes shut tight as he lay on the cold tile floor.

"Shite, he drunk son of bitch, ain't he?" Two of his flatmates lifted him up and carried him to his unmade bed. Really, he'd been quite foolish not to give the blokes half a chance in the flat. They were pretty much strangers to him.

"Sorry." He thought he might choke and throw up again, all over himself as they began to undress him. "I can do it myself."

"Yeah, my ass you can, bloody blithering mate." The bloke shook his head. "You're a might pitiful, brother."

"It must be a bug, going around." Craig just wanted to keep his eyes closed and left alone.

"Damn if I'll catch it." Craig looked up at the flatmate, Geoff who looked like a down right hairy with that mug of his. He looked half Greek with the shiny black curls coming around his face.

"Look, thanks, loads, but I'll be fine. Promise." Craig couldn't say much more. His cell went off in his jeans that were on the floor. Geoff went to fetch it for him.

"Thanks." Craig answered it in time.

"Mate, where you been?" It was Kadan. "Supper's gett'n cold."

"Where are you?" He pushed himself up on the pillow.

"Chloe's, where'd you think I'd be?"

"Look, I'm sorry mate. I've come down with something." He bit at his upper lip then.

"You shit'n me?"

"No, you can talk to my flatmate if you don't believe me." He sighed and gave Geoff the phone then.

"Yeah, that's right. Found him passed out on bathroom, nope, looks a little green to me." Geoff smiled looking at Craig. "Always, after me lucky charms..." He then laughed.

Craig made a face then for him to give the cell back.

"Stop, you're laughing. I'm sick. I don't know why. Just am." He would have said more but Geoff was standing there. He remained even lip and hoped Geoff would just leave.

"Let me tuck you in," Geoff laughed.

"I'm fine. Leave, please." He took a breath and crawled deep under the covers. He wasn't sure he was ready to be a father yet.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

out of the blue

Craig had to admit he hated not hearing from Chloe while Kadan was here. He didn't want to start trouble so it was best to wait it out. He wouldn't call. He wouldn't see her. He just wouldn't.

He didn't like staying at the flat, either. Especially, the evil eye that Jamie was giving him, lately. Actually, he felt very much in limbo at the moment. Trying to make the best of the library with his studies. But it wasn't helping. Nothing was helping.

He wanted to know what was really going on with Chloe and John Paul.

"Just go and see her." Craig told Kadan. "You'll feel so much better about the situation. Besides, what about Caroline, don't you miss her?"

Hopefully, he had that settled. Kadan would do his family thing. Then maybe stay a few more days with Craig, at Kadan's old place and then be gone. Somewhere. He wanted him here, but then he didn't. Not when it came to Chloe. He didn't want to admit it, but she meant more to him than he thought.

But he'd find himself lost at the park, watching what seemed everything go by except himself. He felt down right useless in this predicament he was in. Having two lovers wasn't exactly all it was cracked up to be.

And then his mobile rang. It was Chloe.

"Chloe, how ya been?" There he was on a sunny day, in the park. Dogs barking, kids playing. He felt light headed just hearing from her.

"Better." She sounded as if she'd been crying. Maybe Kadan had broken all ties with her now. He'd have to be there for her. Pick up the pieces. He'd know what to do.

"What's wrong."

There was no answer. But finally the words came. "I'm late."

"What? Late for what?" Maybe the mobile was breaking up. Possibly it needed recharging. He found himself pacing by a park bench full of young mums with babies. He stared at one. Still what was Chloe getting at?

"I'm...I took one of those test, actually five of them, and its all the same, Craig." There was a silence. "I'm pregnant."

Craig licked his dry lips and squinted. He didn't know what to say.

"But we were very careful." He shook his head, no. This couldn't be happening. Couldn't be his.

"Yes, I know, but you can't ever be a hundred percent, sometimes." She was fighting tears. She sounded congested.

"Its all right. It OK, Chloe." He sighed.


"Try not to be upset," he cringed. "I'll try to come around."


"Soon." He lied. He couldn't be anywhere near there while Kadan was around.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

passing the time away

Craig was possibly drained with all the late nights with Kadan. He couldn't remember the last time he ate. As it was he thought Kadan had a steady diet of lager and cigarettes.

Then there was the dope. Craig had partaken a little, but he was sure there was something Kadan was trying to numb out.

"You haven't even gone to see Chloe and the baby as of yet." He hadn't wanted to bring it up, but this was horrible. Why was he staying away?

"I can't," Kadan frowned as if he hated himself as if he might have done the unthinkable. Was it because of Craig?

"You can't just blow them off because of me."

He shook his, head no.

"There's someone else." He lit another rolled cigarette and smoked his troubles away.

"What do you mean? Someone else?" Craig squinted.

"She's seeing someone." He nodded.

"Chloe?" This was heart breaking. Craig reached for the cigarette then. He'd have to have a heavy drag now, facing the consequences perhaps.

"I can tell in her voice. She won't shut up about this John Paul fellow. Who in the hell is he? She hasn't even met him face to face, you know."

"I dunno." Craig held on to the cigarette. "You think she'd go so far to see him. This bloke she's never actually seen?"

"Dunno." Kadan looked at Craig sleepily. His mouth took in Craig's smoke. He then smiled, biting his bottom lip. His hands cradled Craig's neck. He kissed him slowly. Craig was sure the cigarette might burn Kadan in this awkward moment. But Kadan kept his lips on him as he pushed his hand into his jeans and found something to hold on too.

It was to begin again. They couldn't get enough of each other. At least Kadan wasn't thinking that Craig had been with Chloe.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

the bones collide

it’s always the same way for me
blue turns soft with time
broke remains, an everyday disguise
ending in the same way. . .the same way

Craig thought he might fall over when he saw Kadan standing there at the bar with bottles of lager waiting, already. Yes, he'd heard his voice, but he still didn't believe it. He thought Kadan had his heart set on L.A. at the moment, and there was no changing that.

"What made you decide to come back?" Craig was a little cross. Couldn't Kadan have let him know his plans sooner.

"Happy to see you too, mate." Kadan squinted back. "Whats the deal, Craig? You look a little glum."

"No, its not that. I just thought you would have said something before." Craig stared at him then, trying his best not to be uneasy.

"What? You don't like surprises?" Kadan shrugged handing him a bottle of lager.

"Its just been a hell of a week." Craig sighed. He didn't want to dare mention Chloe. This was just beginning to be a bit uncomfortable. Juggling these two around.

"You, all right, then?" Kadan reached for his shoulder then.

"Yeah." Craig nodded.

"Then come to a concert with me." Kadan smiled. They drank a drink then and a couple of more and talked about Greece and how they should go back. But Kadan said the real thing was here. He wanted to be here with his music not in the states.

"Why did you change your mind?" Craig looked at him at the corner of his eye.

"Are you forgetting, something, mate?"

"I just thought you wanted to take your music places." Craig sighed.

so much for the light show
pissing on while pissing off
sucking in a smokescreen
selling of a loose knit dream

"Got everything I need right here, now don't I?" Kadan touched his neck then. Craig thought they might kiss, but they didn't. "Come along, we might miss the show if we don't get there." So they walked a few blocks down to a hole in the wall place where the ceiling was open. All was left were brick walls. It was a place you could bring your own booze and smoke stagnated the air even in all the openness.

On stage was a band jamming with electric guitars pumping the stage with a light show. The beat cut right through Craig. He could hardly take it. Kadan was feeling the rhythm as he grooved along. He put his arm around Craig and they kissed. It was wild. Everyone was dancing. Craig joined in, sort of. Although, he felt more of the kissing than the dancing as Kadan pressed his tongue on his.

Kadan was like a feral kid enjoying every second of the hard thumping melody of the night. He pulled Craig closer, hanging on to his belt loops. As the sound got faster and deeper, Kadan jumped into the groove and took Craig with him.

It was a rush, and Craig was sure he'd fall over in the crowd and be stomped to death, but Kadan hung on to him. Finally they found their way out of the place and walked toward the park. Craig could hardly catch his breath.

"That's what I've missed, you know." Kadan pulled him along. "Sure, there was lots to offer in L.A., but its all so materialistic. I need to get back to my roots, you know."

Craig nodded as if he understood, but not completely. Didn't Kadan want to make money?

Finally, Kadan dropped himself on a park bench under the streetlights. Craig plopped down too. His eyes hurt from the smoke, and his voice was scratchy.

"Something went wrong," Kadan closed his eyes.

"How do you mean?" Craig wondered what could have possibly gone wrong in L.A.

"I hated it. I hated it so much." Kadan frowned.

"Its all right now. You're home." Craig touched his cheek then and kissed him.

"I know. And you're here. And it'll all be fine, won't it?" Kadan kissed him back.

"Of course." Only Craig knew he could never see Chloe again. Never. Or at least the next week or two.

tell me did the bones collide
the bones collide
the bones collide
little lover’s so polite
so polite
so polite

Monday, March 10, 2008

as luck would have it

Craig was glad he was back at his flat when Kaden called. But still he wished he was with Chloe, just the same.

He felt safer there. Something was off kilter at the flat with the footballers. Craig couldn't quite put his finger on it. He didn't get why they disliked him so much. He was the odd man out. He guessed.

He thought he was use to it by now. He liked it better when no one paid him any mind. As it was, he crossed Jamie's path little as possible. Craig went to class. To work. Stayed at home as little as possible. What had done him wrong?

"So what's up?" Kadan evidently could sense it too.

"What do you mean?" Craig thought of Chloe. He wondered if Kadan had talked to her.

"You sound down, mate. When's the last time you've gone out for a drink?" There was a laugh in Kadan's voice.

"I'm not sure where you're going with this." Craig squinted. "Are you back?" Suddenly, he wasn't sure if he dreaded the answer or was so far hyped he might shit himself.

"Why don't you come around the corner and see for yourself," Kaden said. "The Lucky Lad."

Craig felt himself go hard. "What do you mean?"

"Just get your ass down, here?"

"But what about Chloe?" Craig quavered.

"What about her? I'll see her later."

"I see."

"What does it matter when I see her?"

"It doesn't." Craig squinted. But it did. Kadan was back. Back for good maybe. "I'll be right there."

He shut his cell then and grabbed his jacket. There was Jamie, lean and mean standing in the hallway. Neither said a word. Craig's brusies were just about healed. He didn't want to get in to it again with him. Didn't hint for an apology, either.

Craig held his breath as he went passed. If he had any luck at the Lucky Lad, Craig knew he wouldn't be back tonight.