Thursday, March 27, 2008

can't be happening

This was so not what he wanted to hear from Chloe.

Pregnant.

It didn't seem feasible in Craig's mind. He walked the streets for a good long while and all he felt was numb. Neither joy nor horror. Just numb. He couldn't even hear himself think.

His throat felt scorched and his ears hurt from this pain of not wanting to listen, perhaps. He didn't know. But he kept walking. Walking in circles around the park until nightfall.

When he got home he couldn't even remember if he'd eaten. Kadan had called him several times, but he hadn't responded. He was physically ill. He staggered to the bathroom and thats where everything came undone. He threw up and passed out on the bathroom floor.

"Jesus Christ, Mary and Joseph!" He awoke to a voice but his eyes shut tight as he lay on the cold tile floor.

"Shite, he drunk son of bitch, ain't he?" Two of his flatmates lifted him up and carried him to his unmade bed. Really, he'd been quite foolish not to give the blokes half a chance in the flat. They were pretty much strangers to him.

"Sorry." He thought he might choke and throw up again, all over himself as they began to undress him. "I can do it myself."

"Yeah, my ass you can, bloody blithering mate." The bloke shook his head. "You're a might pitiful, brother."

"It must be a bug, going around." Craig just wanted to keep his eyes closed and left alone.

"Damn if I'll catch it." Craig looked up at the flatmate, Geoff who looked like a down right hairy with that mug of his. He looked half Greek with the shiny black curls coming around his face.

"Look, thanks, loads, but I'll be fine. Promise." Craig couldn't say much more. His cell went off in his jeans that were on the floor. Geoff went to fetch it for him.

"Thanks." Craig answered it in time.

"Mate, where you been?" It was Kadan. "Supper's gett'n cold."

"Where are you?" He pushed himself up on the pillow.

"Chloe's, where'd you think I'd be?"

"Look, I'm sorry mate. I've come down with something." He bit at his upper lip then.

"You shit'n me?"

"No, you can talk to my flatmate if you don't believe me." He sighed and gave Geoff the phone then.

"Yeah, that's right. Found him passed out on bathroom floor.....no, nope, looks a little green to me." Geoff smiled looking at Craig. "Always, after me lucky charms..." He then laughed.

Craig made a face then for him to give the cell back.

"Stop, you're laughing. I'm sick. I don't know why. Just am." He would have said more but Geoff was standing there. He remained even lip and hoped Geoff would just leave.

"Let me tuck you in," Geoff laughed.

"I'm fine. Leave, please." He took a breath and crawled deep under the covers. He wasn't sure he was ready to be a father yet.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

out of the blue

Craig had to admit he hated not hearing from Chloe while Kadan was here. He didn't want to start trouble so it was best to wait it out. He wouldn't call. He wouldn't see her. He just wouldn't.

He didn't like staying at the flat, either. Especially, the evil eye that Jamie was giving him, lately. Actually, he felt very much in limbo at the moment. Trying to make the best of the library with his studies. But it wasn't helping. Nothing was helping.

He wanted to know what was really going on with Chloe and John Paul.

"Just go and see her." Craig told Kadan. "You'll feel so much better about the situation. Besides, what about Caroline, don't you miss her?"

Hopefully, he had that settled. Kadan would do his family thing. Then maybe stay a few more days with Craig, at Kadan's old place and then be gone. Somewhere. He wanted him here, but then he didn't. Not when it came to Chloe. He didn't want to admit it, but she meant more to him than he thought.

But he'd find himself lost at the park, watching what seemed everything go by except himself. He felt down right useless in this predicament he was in. Having two lovers wasn't exactly all it was cracked up to be.

And then his mobile rang. It was Chloe.

"Chloe, how ya been?" There he was on a sunny day, in the park. Dogs barking, kids playing. He felt light headed just hearing from her.

"Better." She sounded as if she'd been crying. Maybe Kadan had broken all ties with her now. He'd have to be there for her. Pick up the pieces. He'd know what to do.

"What's wrong."

There was no answer. But finally the words came. "I'm late."

"What? Late for what?" Maybe the mobile was breaking up. Possibly it needed recharging. He found himself pacing by a park bench full of young mums with babies. He stared at one. Still what was Chloe getting at?

"I'm...I took one of those test, actually five of them, and its all the same, Craig." There was a silence. "I'm pregnant."

Craig licked his dry lips and squinted. He didn't know what to say.

"But we were very careful." He shook his head, no. This couldn't be happening. Couldn't be his.

"Yes, I know, but you can't ever be a hundred percent, sometimes." She was fighting tears. She sounded congested.

"Its all right. It OK, Chloe." He sighed.

"Really."

"Try not to be upset," he cringed. "I'll try to come around."

"When?"

"Soon." He lied. He couldn't be anywhere near there while Kadan was around.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

passing the time away

Craig was possibly drained with all the late nights with Kadan. He couldn't remember the last time he ate. As it was he thought Kadan had a steady diet of lager and cigarettes.

Then there was the dope. Craig had partaken a little, but he was sure there was something Kadan was trying to numb out.

"You haven't even gone to see Chloe and the baby as of yet." He hadn't wanted to bring it up, but this was horrible. Why was he staying away?

"I can't," Kadan frowned as if he hated himself as if he might have done the unthinkable. Was it because of Craig?

"You can't just blow them off because of me."

He shook his, head no.

"There's someone else." He lit another rolled cigarette and smoked his troubles away.

"What do you mean? Someone else?" Craig squinted.

"She's seeing someone." He nodded.

"Chloe?" This was heart breaking. Craig reached for the cigarette then. He'd have to have a heavy drag now, facing the consequences perhaps.

"I can tell in her voice. She won't shut up about this John Paul fellow. Who in the hell is he? She hasn't even met him face to face, you know."

"I dunno." Craig held on to the cigarette. "You think she'd go so far to see him. This bloke she's never actually seen?"

"Dunno." Kadan looked at Craig sleepily. His mouth took in Craig's smoke. He then smiled, biting his bottom lip. His hands cradled Craig's neck. He kissed him slowly. Craig was sure the cigarette might burn Kadan in this awkward moment. But Kadan kept his lips on him as he pushed his hand into his jeans and found something to hold on too.

It was to begin again. They couldn't get enough of each other. At least Kadan wasn't thinking that Craig had been with Chloe.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

the bones collide

it’s always the same way for me
blue turns soft with time
broke remains, an everyday disguise
ending in the same way. . .the same way

Craig thought he might fall over when he saw Kadan standing there at the bar with bottles of lager waiting, already. Yes, he'd heard his voice, but he still didn't believe it. He thought Kadan had his heart set on L.A. at the moment, and there was no changing that.

"What made you decide to come back?" Craig was a little cross. Couldn't Kadan have let him know his plans sooner.

"Happy to see you too, mate." Kadan squinted back. "Whats the deal, Craig? You look a little glum."

"No, its not that. I just thought you would have said something before." Craig stared at him then, trying his best not to be uneasy.

"What? You don't like surprises?" Kadan shrugged handing him a bottle of lager.

"Its just been a hell of a week." Craig sighed. He didn't want to dare mention Chloe. This was just beginning to be a bit uncomfortable. Juggling these two around.

"You, all right, then?" Kadan reached for his shoulder then.

"Yeah." Craig nodded.

"Then come to a concert with me." Kadan smiled. They drank a drink then and a couple of more and talked about Greece and how they should go back. But Kadan said the real thing was here. He wanted to be here with his music not in the states.

"Why did you change your mind?" Craig looked at him at the corner of his eye.

"Are you forgetting, something, mate?"

"I just thought you wanted to take your music places." Craig sighed.

so much for the light show
pissing on while pissing off
sucking in a smokescreen
selling of a loose knit dream


"Got everything I need right here, now don't I?" Kadan touched his neck then. Craig thought they might kiss, but they didn't. "Come along, we might miss the show if we don't get there." So they walked a few blocks down to a hole in the wall place where the ceiling was open. All was left were brick walls. It was a place you could bring your own booze and smoke stagnated the air even in all the openness.

On stage was a band jamming with electric guitars pumping the stage with a light show. The beat cut right through Craig. He could hardly take it. Kadan was feeling the rhythm as he grooved along. He put his arm around Craig and they kissed. It was wild. Everyone was dancing. Craig joined in, sort of. Although, he felt more of the kissing than the dancing as Kadan pressed his tongue on his.

Kadan was like a feral kid enjoying every second of the hard thumping melody of the night. He pulled Craig closer, hanging on to his belt loops. As the sound got faster and deeper, Kadan jumped into the groove and took Craig with him.

It was a rush, and Craig was sure he'd fall over in the crowd and be stomped to death, but Kadan hung on to him. Finally they found their way out of the place and walked toward the park. Craig could hardly catch his breath.

"That's what I've missed, you know." Kadan pulled him along. "Sure, there was lots to offer in L.A., but its all so materialistic. I need to get back to my roots, you know."

Craig nodded as if he understood, but not completely. Didn't Kadan want to make money?

Finally, Kadan dropped himself on a park bench under the streetlights. Craig plopped down too. His eyes hurt from the smoke, and his voice was scratchy.

"Something went wrong," Kadan closed his eyes.

"How do you mean?" Craig wondered what could have possibly gone wrong in L.A.

"I hated it. I hated it so much." Kadan frowned.

"Its all right now. You're home." Craig touched his cheek then and kissed him.

"I know. And you're here. And it'll all be fine, won't it?" Kadan kissed him back.

"Of course." Only Craig knew he could never see Chloe again. Never. Or at least the next week or two.

tell me did the bones collide
the bones collide
the bones collide
little lover’s so polite
so polite
so polite

Monday, March 10, 2008

as luck would have it

Craig was glad he was back at his flat when Kaden called. But still he wished he was with Chloe, just the same.

He felt safer there. Something was off kilter at the flat with the footballers. Craig couldn't quite put his finger on it. He didn't get why they disliked him so much. He was the odd man out. He guessed.

He thought he was use to it by now. He liked it better when no one paid him any mind. As it was, he crossed Jamie's path little as possible. Craig went to class. To work. Stayed at home as little as possible. What had done him wrong?

"So what's up?" Kadan evidently could sense it too.

"What do you mean?" Craig thought of Chloe. He wondered if Kadan had talked to her.

"You sound down, mate. When's the last time you've gone out for a drink?" There was a laugh in Kadan's voice.

"I'm not sure where you're going with this." Craig squinted. "Are you back?" Suddenly, he wasn't sure if he dreaded the answer or was so far hyped he might shit himself.

"Why don't you come around the corner and see for yourself," Kaden said. "The Lucky Lad."

Craig felt himself go hard. "What do you mean?"

"Just get your ass down, here?"

"But what about Chloe?" Craig quavered.

"What about her? I'll see her later."

"I see."

"What does it matter when I see her?"

"It doesn't." Craig squinted. But it did. Kadan was back. Back for good maybe. "I'll be right there."

He shut his cell then and grabbed his jacket. There was Jamie, lean and mean standing in the hallway. Neither said a word. Craig's brusies were just about healed. He didn't want to get in to it again with him. Didn't hint for an apology, either.

Craig held his breath as he went passed. If he had any luck at the Lucky Lad, Craig knew he wouldn't be back tonight.

Thursday, March 6, 2008

keeping it in the past

If he drank enough, Craig kept thoughts of Kadan at bay. But then he'd wake in the middle of the night in a deep dream with him which left him in a sweat.

He'd shiver afterwards. If that wasn't enough, he noticed John Paul's cell number on Chloe's telephone id box.

"What's this? Why is he calling you, luv?" This didn't seem natural. It left a bad feeling he couldn't quite kick.

"Oh, it was just as accident." She assured him while she was tending to baby Caroline.

"There are no accidents when it comes to John Paul!" He assured her.

"Why are you like this Craig?" He'd upset the baby. She'd have to carry her about for sometime before she'd get settled. "What has John Paul done to you? He seems quite an innocent bloke, to me."

"Innocent?" That was bullshit. "What has he told you?" He gritted his teeth. Just when he thought he'd left his past behind. Here it was raising it's ugly head.

"Craig, please. Caroline doesn't like it." The baby cried more.

"Sorry, I just wish you'd pay him no mind." He hadn't meant for this to upset him, but it had.

"Then there are bad feelings between you two?"

"No. No there isn't. There is nothing between us." He sighed, shaking his head, no.

"He seems to be going through something at the moment," Chloe said, once she got Caroline settled in her bed.

"Aren't we all." He pulled a bitter look.

"Would you know, who it would be thats got him so melancholy?" She came to him.

"I haven't a clue. I don't keep up with John Paul's love life." He really didn't want to talk about it. He took her hand and kissed it. She smelled of baby oil and good baby smells. Which was a pleasant surprise.

"I'm sorry you two had a falling out. I think he might still need you," she said while he kissed her neck.

"No he doesn't." He kissed her precious lips then, and she breathed him in. He knew he had her where he wanted her. "He needs nothing from me," he whispered. "He needs nothing from you, either." His hands touched her belly then and he pulled her in. He knew her so well now. It didn't take much for her to be putty in his hands. He liked that feeling. And he wanted to keep it that way.